I've been thinking lately about my life. I don't know why it's been so pressing on my mind. I think most of it is the awful trial that's been going on, and the graphic details of it that have been coming out. As a mother, it makes me want to scoop up my babies and never let them out of my sight. As a human being, it makes me want to apologize to the families of the victims for the horror that they have been through. At the same time, I want to exact some sort of revenge on their behalf. I wish that there was a way to terrorize and punish the killers in the same way that they terrorized Channon and Christopher. It has also made me think about my life and the blessings that God has so graciously given me.
I have the obvious - a wonderful husband, two beautiful and healthy children, a very loving extended family, a home, a job... But it has taken a lot to get here. When it comes to my marriage, I credit much of the success of it to a relationship that I had before I met my husband. When I was 15, my friend Kristie introduced me to a guy that I ended up dating off and on for over five years. John is a good guy, just not a good guy for me. I didn't know this at the time, but of course, my parents did (parents always know, don't they??). When we started dating, I was completely smitten with him. He was my first love. At the time, he seemed perfectly normal, and his family was great. BUT, that all changed about three years into the relationship. That was when his parents divorced. Don't get me wrong... things weren't all roses for the three years leading up to that, but the divorce was the final straw for him. Apparently (unbeknownst to me), his parents had had problems for years, but it finally boiled over into an affair and a nasty divorce, and I saw behavior out of them that I am still shocked about. I can't imagine anyone, no matter how much you may despise your ex, behaving that way in front of your children! But I've seen it over and over throughout the years... Anyway, when his parents split up, John went off the deep end. We were 19 at the time, so you would think that he would have handled it better because of his age. In hindsight, I think his age probably made it worse. Everything that he had ever known came crashing down in front of him, so I think he was entitled to a meltdown. But with this meltdown at home came the meltdown of our relationship. By the time the divorce was final, we had been dating for nearly five years, and all of my friends were getting engaged and married. We had been together for so long, and it seemed like the natural progression of things. We had gotten engaged some months before, and the date was set. That date was rapidly approaching, but there wasn't a whole lot of planning going on. I did the things that my mother made me do, but I guess without realizing it, I knew that this just wasn't going to happen. Then one day, he showed up at my door with a trash bag full of clothes. His dad had kicked him out of the house, and he had nowhere else to go. What was I supposed to do? This was my fiancee... After three days of him sitting there doing nothing but playing video games while I was at work, he went back home (I guess his dad didn't have to heart to put him out for real), and never even bothered to call me to tell me that he wasn't coming back to our apartment. After a couple of days of this, I called him, furious. I demanded that he tell me whether the wedding was on or not (at this point, it was two months away-and I think I knew his answer before I even asked). He called it off, which really didn't surprise me. BUT, I guess he still wanted to hang on to me for whatever reason, so he still wanted to keep dating and be engaged.
I don't know what happened at that moment. It's like something suddenly snapped. I told him that he needed to come and get his crap, and GET OUT! He showed up five minutes later (he must have flown!). He was there for about an hour, crying and begging me to stay with him. I cried a little too, but not as much as you would think. The craziest thing was that I wasn't upset that my fiancee and I were breaking up, but that I felt like I was abandoning him when he needed me. I felt guilty!! I suppose that I was over this relationship long before I ever realized it, and I'm just glad that God gave me a swift kick in the teeth before I actually walked down the aisle with the guy!! But as always, He has a master plan. Three weeks later, enter Chris. Two months after that, he bought my engagement ring. Three months after that, we got engaged, and nine months after that, we were married. So in the period of a little over a year, my entire life changed course. Eleven years later, here we are! I'm go glad that God is in charge! I shudder every time I stop to think what my life would have been like if I had married John...
That being said, I wouldn't change a THING about any of it! John and I basically grew up together. I'm not proud of some of the things that I said and did while we were dating, BUT it taught me more than I could ever believe. I learned how to be in a relationship, and how to let go. I learned what behavior was acceptable, and how to pick my battles. Because of this time in my life, when Chris came on the scene, I was ready. I was ready, and I appreciated him. AND with the fast track of our relationship, my parents didn't even flinch! (Did I mention that when I called my mom to tell her that John and I wouldn't be getting married, her exact words were "Your father will be so relieved...") Mom and Dad LOVE Chris, and they always have. The other thing I should have done...listened to my parents...
As I said, there are things that I've said and done that I'm not proud of (haven't we all?), but I would never change a thing about my life. I've been very blessed to have the family and friends that I have. Yes, there are things that I wish I could have done better. I wish that I hadn't rushed to judgement about certain people, and I wish that I hadn't listened to so many opinions of others. I wish that I had realized who my true friends were, and who could have been a true friend long before they actually became one. I'm happy for the friends that I've made over the years, and the friends that I've kept over the years, but I wish I got to spend more time with them. I'm glad that I finally finished school, but I wish that I hadn't waited so long to do it. All of that being said, I'm glad for the way things have turned out. If I had done things differently, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I guess if I had to have one thing in my life that I regret, it would be that I didn't know then what I know now. I think we ALL wish for that...
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